As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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