I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
