So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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