I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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