My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
