I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Randomize
