she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
