So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
