so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
