Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
