fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Someone signed my nipple.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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