Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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