Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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