I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
