dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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