Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
