If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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