if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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