Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
