the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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