phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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