But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
well you can't waste a boner
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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