remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
