do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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