I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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