It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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