I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm at about main and main street
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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