Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
