Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
