I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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