i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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