Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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