I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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