I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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