Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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