i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
