But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
