I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
