This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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