I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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