His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
