I wannas sexs uuuuu
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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