You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
