tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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