Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
