Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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