Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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