Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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