Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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