Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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