I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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