I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
