No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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