I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
