life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Ladies don't puke and tell
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
