At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
