Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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